What's Wrong With Steve?

Steve,

I’m the oldest of three.  I’m 40 now and was a natural type of athlete – meaning I was pretty good at everything.  My younger brother could have been good, but my dad – I’m guessing he thought of me as his “meal ticket” spent more time with me and my development and not my brother.

Well fast forward 25 years and my brother is an accomplished athlete.  He participates in Ironman events, runs marathons, dates models, lives in Manhattan, works on Madison Avenue.  Me, I coach PeeWee baseball, eat too much, and the only model I ever nailed was a plus sizer.

I’m getting sick and freakin’ assed tired of my wife swooning over “Uncle Casey”.  Every year we have a family reunion where all he does is walk around with his shirt off looking like McConaughey, doing double flips off the low dive, and all of the kids think he’s the coolest guy on earth.  My wife takes 4 gig of pictures every afternoon and “Facebooks” them to all of her middle-aged friends every afternoon.  You put us together and its a true “Before” and “After” type picture.

At the same reunion, there’s also a 5k “race” – he pesters the crap out of me to do it each year.  I hate every second of my 36:28 minute run, I’m sucking wind like “Meatloaf” in ’78 and I’m producing enough gravy to feed the homeless in Haiti.

We both were high school wrestlers, and because I’m in his head I can still beat him.  Do I just whoop his ass to prove to everyone that I’m still the man? Or do I just put my arms up and say “you win”

Brad

Brad

Stop kidding yourself.  You are no more in his head that you are in mine.

Trust me – as a younger brother who rocketed past his older siblings many, many years ago, I assure you that Casey is breathing a rarified air that the likes of you can only pretend to imagine.

There’s no point in throwing your ams up and saying “you win”, because, Brad, you already say that loud and clear on a daily basis with your ho-hum existence.

Sorry, dude.

Of course, I could be wrong.  Maybe you are still in his head.  Maybe his many accomplishments leave him feeling empty inside because he is motivated not to be the best that he can be, but to show himself that he is better than you.  Maybe he sees the real value in coaching PeeWee baseball, but can’t bring himself to consider giving his time and energies so selflessly.  Maybe Casey is actually a real jerk.  Maybe he’s really enjoying your middle aged angst, even though it subconsciously fuels his own lack of self respect.   Hmm…….on second thought,  why don’t you think about beating him over the head with a folding metal chair the next time you are at a family function?   Beat him down like there’s no tomorrow.  I mean, make him your personal pinata…don’t let up until his body is convulsing.  Then, calmly take a picture of him laying in his own pool of blood and walk across the room to your stunned wife and scream, “Here’s a nice shot for your Facebook page, Sweetheart!  Doesn’t he look great in red?”

Maybe that’ll help.

But, wait….no, I think I was right the first time.  Casey sounds like THE MAN.  I’d love to meet him sometime.

Again, sorry, dude.

SG

Dear Steve-

I have this sadness. It started after reading a press release from my favorite band. After 20 years they are going on an INDEFINITE HIATUS. This brings such sadness to me. I totally understand after twenty years of being away from loved ones . I appreciate all you, the band, your families, and the crew have done to bring us your music – my soul food.

So, I thank you and the rest of the gentlemen in the band from the bottom of my heart for  giving the one thing in my life that is mine.  Going to a Black Crowes show and losing myself in dance and leaving this planet for a while.

Besides giving birth to my two children, going to a Black Crowes shows is the best thing I have done. I get to shut my eyes and off I go!

Thank you!  Thank you!  Thank you!

See you soon

Erika

Erika

Thank you from the bottom of our hearts!  It’s been an honor and a pleasure, and will continue to be so throughout the year.

Best,

SG

Dear Steve,

I’m hoping you can use your wisdom and extensive life experiences to shed some light on the economy.

Is the “Great Recession” finally drawing to a close?  I’m trying to be optimistic about some of the good economic indicators that have been coming out, but my father is convinced that we’re headed for a major double dip and is calling and nagging me that I should start hoarding canned goods and learning how to make my own ammo.

So please, tell me he’s wrong.

Or, tell me how many cans of creamed corn it will take to get me through the apocalypse.

Kind Regards,

A Daughter

A. D.

Sorry, kiddo, but Pops is on the money with this one.  Or, on the lack of money with this one, I should say.

To be safe, I’d go with one can of creamed corn for for every member of Congress since 1980, and two cans for everyone who’s ever drawn a paycheck on Wall Street.

You can splurge on a can of niblets for each President since FDR, and remember to add a dash of pepper for those that were Democrats.

And please – go with an old school, hand crank can opener.  Electricity’s days are also surely numbered.

SG

Hi Steve,

First, NICE job on the ‘Live at the Greek’ CD.

I’m wondering what your process was to prepare for playing Zep tunes with Page?

Did he have any suggestions for you after your started rehearsing with him?

Secondary (but related), what’s his ‘feel’ like?  Does he tend to lay back in respect to the beat?  Right on?  Ahead?

Thanks,

Chris

Chris

Thanks for the props.

My process?  It wasn’t an exact science, believe me.  I seem to recall simply listening to the songs over and over and drinking a lot of beer.  My drunken confidence carried me through any of the rough patches in rehearsals and by the time we were out playing publicly, I had deluded myself to the point of feeling pretty damned good about what I was doing.

Mr. Page never gave me any specific suggestions.  (Well, none that I remember, anyway – see previous paragraph.)

What’s his feel like?  Back?  Ahead?  Right on?  Hell, I don’t know.  I never thought about it like that.  It just always felt like Jimmy Page.  I am not trying to be funny.  Think about that for a sec.  It felt JUST like playing with Jimmy Page.

And that, Chris, was awesome.

SG

Dear Steve,

I’ve been a drummer now for 15 years.  Started playing when I was 8.  I loved back in ’05 when you had the Bohnam Vistalite reissue and the sound you got on it.

My question is – have you ever tried the Ludwig solid stainless steel kit? Much like the Vistalite, Bohnam used this kit live from ’77-’80 and it sounded killer.  I got myself a 13×9 tom and have gigged with a few times and it sounds killer.  Wondering if you ever had tried one or heard of them?

Also, do you think the Cubs will actually win the world series this year?  Let me know your prediction.

Thanks,

Will

Will

Yeah, I loved touring with that Vistalite kit, too.  It’s not the easiest kit to make sound good, but when it is dialed in, it smokes.

And yes, I know all about the stainless steel kit as I have one of those bad boys myself.  It’s the most thunderous kit I’ve ever heard, and it’s my all-time favorite.   If that kit were a movie, it’d be the “Guns of Navarone”.

I can’t gig with it though, because my band has this whole bizarre concept of not having the drums be the loudest part of the mix.  Can you believe that shit?  Unreal.  But, I am a team player,  so I do my best to help “blend” into the collective vibe.  Whatever.

I do not, sorry to say, think that the Cubs will win the World Series this year.  Or next year.  Or the year after that.  In fact, I’d go so far as to say that you’d probably see John Bonham pull a Lazarus and hop back onto his Vistalites before you see your Cubbies hoist the Commissioner’s Trophy over their heads.

That’s just life.  (For a Cubs fan.)

SG

Steve,

Why do you have to be so damned entertaining?  I’m supposed to be studying for my business law test tomorrow morning at 7am (its 2am now!) and instead i’ve spent my time reading your words of wisdom.  Hell, i think i’ve learned more from you than studying my material.

Anyway, i also wanted to let you know that I spent the earlier half of my day mixing a few of my songs and have been using your drum sound on Under A Mountain as a reference. Its an absolutely phenomenal sound.

That is all.

Kevin

Kevin

Thanks.  I am glad my schtick is working for you.  It’s a simple story as to why- years ago, the band all drew straws to determine how we would each present ourselves publicly.  As luck would have it, I drew the straw marked “damned entertaining”, and have been doing my best to live up to it ever since.

The drum sound on “Under a Mountain” is a favorite of mine, too.  I’d tell you all about how we got that sound, but I don’t remember a single thing about the making of that album other than on Sunday nights we would stop working to watch The Beatles documentary on ABC.

(That’s not meant to be entertaining – that’s the straight up truth.)

SG

Hey Steve,

Was that a little bit of Zeppelin’s “Fool In The Rain” during your Thorn drum solo at the Fillmore show I attended? Or just my imagination?

Thanks,

Derek

Derek

I don’t remember specifically, but there’s a pretty good chance that it was a bit of “Fool in the Rain” you heard me break into back at the Fillmore.

You see, I made an important decision years ago about my drumming – and that was to rip off John Bonham as much as possible, every single time I get the chance.  And you know, I get that chance quite often.

So, uh, yeah,  probably so.

SG

Dear Steve,

I am an enormous fan of your music, but somehow spinning Crowes albums ten to twenty times a day just doesn’t seem to answer some of life’s most difficult questions.

Thusly, I come to you directly asking for wisdom.

Is it wrong that a twenty year old young man be most physically attracted to women in their middle thirties? Certainly as young pup of thirteen, most of youthful energy was spent lusting after buxom young ladies in their early twenties. It stands to reason that as I am now seven years older, the demographic group of women that I find most attractive has also aged by seven years.

Does this mean that when I am in my fifties, I will desire women in their sixties?

Is this normal?

Concerned in Nashville

Concerned,

I can’t say whether or not this is “normal”, but assuming that you don’t have a lone, bloodshot eye smack in the center of your forehead and that you possess even the slightest amount of ambition, I can say you should never lack for female company.

And, you only need worry about your unique desires aging with you if you are uncomfortable in crowds, because a 50 year old man chasing 60 year old skirt is always the most popular guy in town.

SG

(Oh, and, if you’re still in Nashville when that time comes, make it easy on yourself – just hang out at the Picnic Cafe in Belle Meade around lunchtime.)

With Elian Gonzalez suddenly back in the news, I dug up this old Q and A from the 90′s.   That “life as a political pawn” line sure sounds pretty good now, huh?  Who’s smart now, huh?  HUH?

Dear Steve,

All weekend long I have tried to come to grips with our government’s behavior in the Elian Gonzalez case.  After watching the footage of what took place in Little Havana, the only thing running through my mind was, “What would Steven Gorman have done?  How would he have handled it?”

Oh, yeah, and what’s your favorite Zep tune to play with Jimmy Page?  I think you kick buttocks on ‘Out On The Tiles’.  Wow.

Flapjack

Flapjack

Well, I am glad you asked.  I, too, watched in amazement as our government bumbled through yet another blown P.R. assignment.  As the situation was playing itself out a few months ago, I saw nothing but disaster looming for little Elian as he was being groomed to spend the rest of his life as a political pawn.  Someone needed to take quick, decisive action.  The obvious solution hit me like a ton of bricks:  Shoot the little bastard!

Now, with the benefit of hindsight, I admit that this seems extreme.  But back when we were knee deep in this crisis, I saw only the following few unfortunate options for Elian, and  I thought whacking him now would save a lot of heartache down the road.

A:)  Elian spends the rest of his life in the U.S. walking around zombielike saying things like, “No, really, I was on TV, and everything.  The President said my name, man, the President said my name!  I am special, do you hear me?  Special!!!!” Every year his very extended family gets together for Elian Day and talks about how great he is.  Within a few years, they have forgotten what all of the fuss was originally about and they are all saying things like, “Man, if it weren’t for Elian, those puppies would have never made it out of that fire.” Gross.

B:)  Elian returns to Cuba.  The same scenario plays itself out just as above, except in Spanish, and with less, albeit equally delicious, food.

Of course, there might very well have been another possibility.  That might be that Elian returns to Cuba, quietly resumes his life with his loving father, and goes on to become a family man himself, content with the knowledge that there is nothing more sacred than a parent’s love.

Well, come to think of it, I guess that is not so bad.  What the hell do I know about international custody matters?  I’m just a rocker, man!  Next question!

My favorite Zep tune to play with Jimmy Page is all of them.

SG

Hi Steve,

Love the band. Best memory was you pointing at me and smiling as I hugged my wife to “By Your Side” in Farmington, NM.

Anyway, having a dilemma here:  Arguing which Beatle was the better songwriter. Who do you think it is, and why?

Love the sports show!!

Let’s get another TBC album soon, last 2 were fantastic!!

Oliver

Dear Steve,

What is the best Beatles album and why?

Matt

Gentlemen

Sorry for the “two for one” answer, but I think it best to go over this just once.

My answer to both of your queries would be “whichever one you’re listening to”.

When I hear “Abbey Road”, I say to myself, “Now, THIS is easily the best Beatles album”. Or when I hear the song “Something”, I say to myself, “George wrote the perfect love song – he’s really the best writer”.

But then, I’ll play “Revolver” and think “Wow – no one has ever topped this album! “She Said She Said” is probably the coolest rock song ever!  John is the man!”

Of course, some days I put on “Help” and marvel at the energy they could summon as a live band, recording whole albums in just hours.  “Yesterday” comes on and I can’t imagine another 22 year old writing such a poignant song.  Paul is clearly the one.

(And then of course, I’ll be grinding through the “White Album” and when “Don’t Pass Me By” comes on…well…um…I am stunned at the fact that they let Ringo write songs.  Sorry, Ringo – you know I love you – but this is a three horse race.)

See?  it’s not too difficult.  Just go with what’s on the stereo at any given time.

Those bastards were simply so good that no matter what you’re listening to, it does the job.

SG