What's Wrong With Steve?

Hey Steve,

Was that a little bit of Zeppelin’s “Fool In The Rain” during your Thorn drum solo at the Fillmore show I attended? Or just my imagination?

Thanks,

Derek

Derek

I don’t remember specifically, but there’s a pretty good chance that it was a bit of “Fool in the Rain” you heard me break into back at the Fillmore.

You see, I made an important decision years ago about my drumming – and that was to rip off John Bonham as much as possible, every single time I get the chance.  And you know, I get that chance quite often.

So, uh, yeah,  probably so.

SG

Dear Steve,

I am an enormous fan of your music, but somehow spinning Crowes albums ten to twenty times a day just doesn’t seem to answer some of life’s most difficult questions.

Thusly, I come to you directly asking for wisdom.

Is it wrong that a twenty year old young man be most physically attracted to women in their middle thirties? Certainly as young pup of thirteen, most of youthful energy was spent lusting after buxom young ladies in their early twenties. It stands to reason that as I am now seven years older, the demographic group of women that I find most attractive has also aged by seven years.

Does this mean that when I am in my fifties, I will desire women in their sixties?

Is this normal?

Concerned in Nashville

Concerned,

I can’t say whether or not this is “normal”, but assuming that you don’t have a lone, bloodshot eye smack in the center of your forehead and that you possess even the slightest amount of ambition, I can say you should never lack for female company.

And, you only need worry about your unique desires aging with you if you are uncomfortable in crowds, because a 50 year old man chasing 60 year old skirt is always the most popular guy in town.

SG

(Oh, and, if you’re still in Nashville when that time comes, make it easy on yourself – just hang out at the Picnic Cafe in Belle Meade around lunchtime.)

With Elian Gonzalez suddenly back in the news, I dug up this old Q and A from the 90’s.   That “life as a political pawn” line sure sounds pretty good now, huh?  Who’s smart now, huh?  HUH?

Dear Steve,

All weekend long I have tried to come to grips with our government’s behavior in the Elian Gonzalez case.  After watching the footage of what took place in Little Havana, the only thing running through my mind was, “What would Steven Gorman have done?  How would he have handled it?”

Oh, yeah, and what’s your favorite Zep tune to play with Jimmy Page?  I think you kick buttocks on ‘Out On The Tiles’.  Wow.

Flapjack

Flapjack

Well, I am glad you asked.  I, too, watched in amazement as our government bumbled through yet another blown P.R. assignment.  As the situation was playing itself out a few months ago, I saw nothing but disaster looming for little Elian as he was being groomed to spend the rest of his life as a political pawn.  Someone needed to take quick, decisive action.  The obvious solution hit me like a ton of bricks:  Shoot the little bastard!

Now, with the benefit of hindsight, I admit that this seems extreme.  But back when we were knee deep in this crisis, I saw only the following few unfortunate options for Elian, and  I thought whacking him now would save a lot of heartache down the road.

A:)  Elian spends the rest of his life in the U.S. walking around zombielike saying things like, “No, really, I was on TV, and everything.  The President said my name, man, the President said my name!  I am special, do you hear me?  Special!!!!” Every year his very extended family gets together for Elian Day and talks about how great he is.  Within a few years, they have forgotten what all of the fuss was originally about and they are all saying things like, “Man, if it weren’t for Elian, those puppies would have never made it out of that fire.” Gross.

B:)  Elian returns to Cuba.  The same scenario plays itself out just as above, except in Spanish, and with less, albeit equally delicious, food.

Of course, there might very well have been another possibility.  That might be that Elian returns to Cuba, quietly resumes his life with his loving father, and goes on to become a family man himself, content with the knowledge that there is nothing more sacred than a parent’s love.

Well, come to think of it, I guess that is not so bad.  What the hell do I know about international custody matters?  I’m just a rocker, man!  Next question!

My favorite Zep tune to play with Jimmy Page is all of them.

SG

Hi Steve,

Love the band. Best memory was you pointing at me and smiling as I hugged my wife to “By Your Side” in Farmington, NM.

Anyway, having a dilemma here:  Arguing which Beatle was the better songwriter. Who do you think it is, and why?

Love the sports show!!

Let’s get another TBC album soon, last 2 were fantastic!!

Oliver

Dear Steve,

What is the best Beatles album and why?

Matt

Gentlemen

Sorry for the “two for one” answer, but I think it best to go over this just once.

My answer to both of your queries would be “whichever one you’re listening to”.

When I hear “Abbey Road”, I say to myself, “Now, THIS is easily the best Beatles album”. Or when I hear the song “Something”, I say to myself, “George wrote the perfect love song – he’s really the best writer”.

But then, I’ll play “Revolver” and think “Wow – no one has ever topped this album! “She Said She Said” is probably the coolest rock song ever!  John is the man!”

Of course, some days I put on “Help” and marvel at the energy they could summon as a live band, recording whole albums in just hours.  “Yesterday” comes on and I can’t imagine another 22 year old writing such a poignant song.  Paul is clearly the one.

(And then of course, I’ll be grinding through the “White Album” and when “Don’t Pass Me By” comes on…well…um…I am stunned at the fact that they let Ringo write songs.  Sorry, Ringo – you know I love you – but this is a three horse race.)

See?  it’s not too difficult.  Just go with what’s on the stereo at any given time.

Those bastards were simply so good that no matter what you’re listening to, it does the job.

SG

Dear Steve,

What the hell is going on?  I’m confused please help.

Sincerely

Tony

“Waiting for a cab is a bunch of baloney, pick up the phone and dial 744-Tony.”

Tony

What the hell is going on?  I’ll tell you what’s going on:  Your slogan kicks ass!

I don’t know where you’re from, but I plan to dial that number in every town I visit this year.  Hope to talk to you soon!

SG

Steve

Thanks for being the driving force behind my trap kit aspirations through the years.  It seems like you just get better every time I see The Crowes.

My problem is this:  My older brother doesn’t have a clue what good music is, nor does he want a clue.  He is so stubborn and closed minded about everything and gets mad when I try to introduce him to new stuff…..which often leads to arguments.  I am always checking out new bands and sounds and I naturally want to share this knowledge with my peers……its just the way I am.

Should I just shut up around him and try NOT to be myself for the sake of a happier environment?

Should I just keep hoping that one day he will get a clue that the sun does not rise and set on corporate radio and wear him away with persistence?

Sam The Music Man

STMM

You’re welcome.   Glad I could be the driving force behind your trap kit aspirations.  I wasn’t doing anything else, anyway, so it’s been a easy role for me.  And you’re not mistaken – I do indeed get better every year.  Weird, isn’t it?

As for your concerns over your brother’s musical taste – get over it.  There are far more casual music fans in the world than there are serious music fans, and that’s how it’s supposed to be.  Granted, the world would be a better place if everyone cared as much as you do.  For starters, I’d be retired.  But, I suppose that’s another story.

If your brother is anything like several of mine, he has things in his life that he is very passionate about.  It’s just that music isn’t one of them.  And, if he’s like those same brothers, he has the audacity NOT to try to shove his passions down my throat.  I’ll never understand some people, man.

Anyway, your music is just that – YOURS.  Enjoy what you enjoy and be appreciative of the fact that music is the thing that you are lucky enough to love so dearly.

As opposed to say, cigars.  Because then I’d have to slap you in the head.  Hard.

SG

Steve:

I have always been interested in the origin of trends in food and fashion and am currently working on a book on the topic. There are two such trends for which I have been unable to track the origins, and I am hoping you can help me.

First up is a staple of many a fern bar and a favorite of mine from my days waitressing at TGI Fridays: potato skins.  Who came up with the idea of culling a baked potato, filling it with cheese and bacon and serving it up as an appetizer? Brilliant! Did you know you can buy frozen TGI Friday’s potato skins in your grocer’s freezer? I can eat a box of those suckers in one sitting.

The other trend that I am interested in is the wearing of articles of clothing, say, a windbreaker, around the waist. Who was the first to do this? Everywhere I go I see people with sweaters and jackets tied around the waist. How versatile! If you know the answers to these questions, please share.

DD

DD

Both potato skins and the “windbreaker around the waist” look owe their existence to pragmatic concerns.

Conventional wisdom says that TGI Fridays invented the potato skin in 1974.

But in reality, Fridays merely introduced the potato skin in 1974.  The actual invention dates back to May, 1973 at an American Heart Association conference in Tahoe.  A group of cardiologists were bemoaning the explosion of a hot new trend in American society: jogging.  To their immediate and understandable concern, it seemed that millions of Americans were suddenly interested in becoming “heart healthy”.  The AHA was in no position to allow that to happen – country club memberships have never come cheap, after all.

After a heated exchange of ideas, a panel of the best and brightest was selected, banished to the hotel kitchen, and assigned the task of creating what the AHA would jokingly refer to as WHDs.   Fueled by visions of a slower, softer America reliant upon round the clock coronary care, these would be Chef Boyardees, in a desperate 72 hour burst of culinary creativity, concocted not only the potato skin, but also the jalapeno popper, the mozzarella stick, spinach dip, the deep fried Snickers bar (you heard me right – it was NOT the Minnesota State Fair Department of Fried Foods, thank you very much) and of course, their coup de grace, the “sampler platter”.

Armed with a handful of ticking time bomb style recipes, the AHA approached several restaurant chains with a surprising offer.  They would give the recipes away, complete with rights to title and patent – and all they asked in return was the guarantee that their respective wait staffs would aggressively promote these new items from that point on.

TGI Fridays jumped at the chance to facilitate the AHA’s treacherous plot and within a month of serving their first potato skin had leap-frogged their competition in the burgeoning “something for everyone” restaurant landscape.  And now, as you mentioned, potato skins with the TGI Friday brand name are available in your local grocer’s freezer.  Everyone wins!

The windbreaker, or sweater, around the waist look has far simpler origins.  Hollywood film and television producers in the early 1970’s, armed with countless scripts about life in the 50’s and 60’s, put together a simple list of visual aides designed to help simple minded viewers understand the characters more quickly.

Leather jackets were to be worn by bikers and misunderstood anti-heroes.

Buddy Holly looking oversized glasses were for guys that would be picked on mercilessly by the leather jacket guys, but who would find redemption late in the story by saving the day – either by sinking a couple of free throws to win the big game against Central or by jumping on a hand grenade in the jungles of southeast asia to save the platoon.

Red hair meant simply “DO NOT COUNT ON THIS PERSON FOR ANY REASON”.

And, finally, the windbreaker around the waist character was always, quite simply, the asshole.  If he has a sweater wrapped around his waist, he’ll rat you out to the principal every time.  That jacket tied in a knot around the belt line says he’ll try to steal your best girl if you turn away even for a moment.  Think Greg Marmalard.

The producers in Hollywood, of course, never thought life would imitate art so directly.  Trust me – this was a painful lesson – if you see a redhead with a sweater or jacket around their waist, run!

SG

Steve,

My 7 year old son loves “Good Morning Captain” but he screws up the lyrics.

For example he sings the first line as “There are rockets on the lemons”. Is this something that I need to concerned about or just be happy he and I can enjoy a great song together?

Thanks,

JC

JC

Let it go.  The important thing is that your son likes the song enough to repeatedly butcher the words.  The two of you enjoying a great song together trumps any concerns over lyrical accuracy.  And besides, I think “there are rockets on the lemons” is a hell of a song lyric.

The first time I heard the vocals on “Jealous Again”, I thought the first line was “Chi chi aught ‘un day you“.  I had no idea what our boy was singing about, of course, but that didn’t keep me from feeling like we had an AOR hit on our hands.

Hell, I spent the early 80’s literally worshipping R.E.M. and to the best of my knowledge, not even Michael Stipe knows the actual lyrics to anything on Chronic Town, Murmur, or Reckoning.  He sang through his nose as if he had marbles in his mouth, I phonetically mumbled along, and no one got hurt.  Magical times.

SG

Steve,

There is this girl I am really in love with, and we have hit it off well. The problem is, the last three guys she was with treated her so bad she’s scared to death of any kind of commitment and freaks out at the slightest major issue that comes up.

How do I reassure her that everything’s OK and that I”m not going anywhere, while still keeping her from freaking out?

I-gotz-a-skittish-lady,

Raleigh NC

Raleigh NC

First things first -do yourself a favor and immediately run to the Char-Grill on Hillsborough Street for a burger.  And don’t screw around – get that monster half pound hamburger steak and load it up with everything they got.  Relief from emotional duress is always, always just a Char-Grill away.  I have often wondered how much better my life would be if I could get to a Char-Grill every time I needed one.

(The preceding was not a paid endorsement for the Char-Grill.  But, if the good people at Char-Grill are paying attention, we can certainly cut some sort of a deal.  Just let me know, folks.)

Okay, let’s get down to business: you’re saying that you’re in love with a girl, but that she “freaks out at the slightest major issue that comes up”.

Ask yourself a few questions:

1)  Am I really in love with this woman?

2)  Or am I actually in love with the woman I think she will be if she gets her shit together?

3)  Why has she allowed three straight guys to treat her poorly?  (Why didn’t she learn her lesson the first time around?)

4)  If I “get” this girl, will the thrill of the hunt prove to have been the real attraction?

5)  Why didn’t I back away at the first sign of her being a “skittish lady”?

6)  What would be the best condiment combo for that burger Steve recommended?  Mustard + Mayo?  Mustard + Ketchup?  Ketchup and Mayo?  All three?

Only you can answer these questions, of course.

All I can do is suggest you take an honest assessment of your feelings and intentions and try to determine if this relationship is in your best interest.  There is no point in pursuing something that isn’t ultimately good for you.

Oh, and make sure you do that whole honest assessment thing at the Char-Grill on Hillsborough Street.  I am telling you, man, it’ll set you free!  I don’t know what part of town you live in, and yes they have other locations that might be more convenient, but go to the original.  Tell them I sent you.  And then ask them if they want to sign me on in some sort of mutually beneficial endorsement situation.

Good luck!  Don’t let that burger get the best of you.  Pace yourself.  Savor the experience.

SG

Oh yeah, and good luck with that woman thing too.

Steve

What is your favorite form of vengeance?  And when seeking said vengeance do you enjoy enacting an “evil plot” or do you go for quick and dirty?  Physical violence, property destruction or mental torture?

I’ve always enjoyed the Amish non violent classic, shunning.  There is nothing finer than pretending that someone doesn’t exist, TO THEIR FACE!

However, I realize that there are some other really amazing forms of vengeance.  I’m consulting you on this one because not only are you a drummer but you also have brothers which clearly denotes expertise in this field.

Emily

Emily

I agree that Amish shunning has a certain flair that’s initially attractive, but I think that to be effective this shunning thing requires more of a community effort, and who has the time and/or energy to convince an entire farming village to ignore someone?  Certainly not me.

And while it’s true that I grew up in a “quick and dirty” household with five older brothers, I have mellowed with age and I now operate with a formula that suits the mature state of mind that I have worked long and hard to achieve.

I stick with the old adage, “vengeance is a dish best served cold”.  However, I take it one step further and serve my vengeance completely frozen to the bone.  Which is to say, I serve my vengeance so long after the fact that the person who wronged me not only doesn’t see my vengeance coming, but has most likely completely forgotten that I exist.

Currently, I am moving through my middle school list of grievances,  striking back against those who wronged me at anytime between the summer of 1977 and the summer of 1979.   And, Emily, it’s a long and painful list, as adolescence was no easier for me than anyone else, I assure you.  Fortunately, my memory burns as brightly as the sun, and payback is currently due for each and every insult and slight I suffered at the hands of my so called “friends” during that period of time I refer to as “when hell was in session”.

Thanks to internet social networking, a plethora of free time on my hands, and a hole in my soul the size of Nevada, I am able to track these people down quite easily and heartlessly deliver what I call “blasts from the past”.

It’s beautiful.  They never, ever know what hit them.

A measured, mature response does indeed have its advantages.

That’s all for now – I gotta go as I am currently knee deep in the case of a certain point guard who wouldn’t pass to a certain wide open forward with four seconds to go in the last game of the 8th grade season against The Clarksville Academy because of something a certain cheerleader (who swore to a certain forward that she could keep a secret) had told a certain point guard about a certain forward’s feelings about a certain point guard’s maniacal ball-hogging.

Measured, mature.

SG