What's Wrong With Steve?

Dear Steve,
First of all I just wish to say how grateful I am to have the opportunity to ask you for your aquired expertise from years of touring and life, and as you have had some experience of Welshmen from having helped out the
Stereophonics from their `drummer problems` you may be uniquely situated to answer this dilemma I`m facing.

Any way down to the problem. My fiancee is turning 40 this year and her birthday coincides with a very special day in the Welsh social calender, that is in the words of Jack Black , we are going to stick it to the man.  Or in other words play England at rugby, now i`ve kinda promised said fiancee  that I would take her away for that day some where romantic but i`m not sure the Millenium Stadium in Cardiff with my mates actually qualifies as romantic.

Please advise as to how i can solve this problem, as i really wouldn`t like to miss the game.
love and peace
Diolch (thats Welsh by the way – means thanks)
Keith

Keith
Not only do I have some experience with Welshmen, but I have experience with Welshmen in the very stadium that you are talking about.  I believe it was December of 2003 when I rolled into the Millennium Stadium in Cardiff with Stereophonics and gave about 70,000 of your countrymen a little taste of the Gorman magic.  Drums, cymbals, even a tambourine.  Looking back, I am sure they didn’t know what hit them!

It was just before Xmas….ahhh, yes.  The memories from that night are flooding back to me now.  There I was, on an enormous stage seated at the kit, giving it my all, soaking up the adoration for the music from that massive audience.  I was very focused on the task at hand, of course, but there were a few moments throughout the night that I allowed myself to scan through that gigantic sea of Welsh humanity, and I remember so clearly seeing the joy on those many faces as they lovingly welcomed home the local boys that had accomplished so much and had gone so far.  I remember the awe I felt as they all seemed to sing every word to every song in perfect unison.  And of course, I remember noting on several of those occasions that it was quite obvious that every single one of those 70,000 people were all thinking the exact same thing: “Where the hell is Stuart?”

But, I digress.

You certainly do have quite a conflict here.  I understand very well the importance of such a match to a Welshman.  I mean, let’s face it, you guys haven’t beaten England at anything important since, oh, I don’t know, like, sometime before 1282….so believe me when I say that I get it.

But Keith, let’s look at this thing like adults.  This is the woman you are choosing to spend the rest of your life with, right?  Obsessive national pride (for sport) is a wonderful thing, but is it wonderful enough to risk alienating the love of your life as she enters her fifth decade?  I would say not.  This is a time to show support and understanding.  This is a time to be aware of HER needs.  This is a time to be aware of HER feelings. This is a time to acknowledge her looming sense of inadequacy as she slowly but surely wears down, thanks to the never ending flow of the devastatingly few sands of time left in her ever emptying hourglass.  (I’m assuming, of course, that you understand something fundamental here, Keith; this diminishing sands in the hourglass business isn’t actually happening.  Far from it, in fact.  I am quite confident that your fiancee, let’s call her Myfanwy, is actually more beautiful, more confident, more fascinating, more alluring, and more exciting than ever, because that’s what happens to women in their 40′s…..but one should never dismiss the internal dialogue, as insane as it may seem, of a woman past the age of 27)

So, Keith, what you need to do is this:

1) Find that romantic spot in the countryside.  (http://www.welsh-inns.co.uk/)
2) Book that romantic weekend getaway you promised.
3) And then, most importantly, see to it by the time Wales walks on the pitch to destroy those invading swine from England, that she has consumed enough wine to ensure she doesn’t know whether she is in the Welsh countryside turning 40 or taking her 40th ride on the Tilt-A-Whirl at the Western Kentucky State Fair.
4) Then you simply grab the remote, turn on the telly, kick back with yet another Merlin Stout, and cheer the lads on to victory.  (Twll dîn pob Sais!, etc.)

You see, Keith, personal conflicts like the one you’re facing are why they invented television in the first place.  Thanks to the combined efforts of Philo Farnsworth, Vladimir Zworykin, and so many of the good people at RCA, your fiancee gets to turn 40 with a great guy by her side (not that she’ll remember it) and you get to see the big match, complete with expert commentary and slow motion replays, nestled happily in the warmth and comfort of a lovely rural inn.   It’s what we in the USA call a “win- win”.
Pob lwc!
SG

Steve,

Will the Red Sox take the Wild Card Spot and why are you so damn wise?

Respectfully submitted,

Jay Sweet

Jay

I know the Wild Card looks good right now for the Sox, but I don’t think they’re gonna be able to hold on. I know that’s hard to hear, and I am sorry to be the one to break it to you, but one must look at the big picture in times like these.

The fans in New England already have the return of a healthy Tom Brady to look forward to, not to mention the addition of Rasheed Wallace to an already tough as nails Celtics lineup, and a re-signed Recchi giving the Bruins three strong lines to contend with. With all that in mind, for the Sox to make the playoffs this year would just be too much to take for all of us that live out here in “I Hate All Boston Teams-Land”. The Gods of Sport simply won’t allow it. I see an Ellsbury knee blowing out soon, or maybe a Big Papi hip flexor situation. Who knows? Maybe Wakefield throws one of those ludicrous fluttering ducks into his own dugout and a Red Sox vs. Red Sox bench clearing brawl erupts…..why not? Stranger things have happened. A man can dream, can’t he?

And, as for why I am so damned wise, it’s really just a question of the company I keep making me look that way. Jay, seriously – look at the knuckleheads I surround myself with. I mean, Gilligan would come across like Ghandi if he were hanging out on this tour bus for more than five minutes.

SG

Steve

Who wins in a wrestling match – you or George Plaster? I’ll hang up and listen to your response.

Bama Fan in Vol Land

BFIVL,

As much as I want to claim a certain and easily attained victory, it’s just not possible to do so. I can’t overlook the fact that in this wrestling match you are proposing, I would, in fact, have to TOUCH George Plaster. And I assure you, that ain’t gonna happen!

Plaster wins with a forfeit.

SG

Hi Steve,
I recently broke up with my (ex-)girlfriend.
The breakup didn’t go so well. . . for her moreso than me.
She used to regularly attend Crowes shows with me. She enjoyed your concerts so much that I now fear running into her at future shows. What’s a boy to do? Skip local shows and travel out of state to watch the band?

Best,
Greg

Greg

First things first – I ain’t buying this nonsense about the break up not going so well “for her moreso than me”. Here’s a basic truth about life after a breakup: the one writing to the drummer of their favorite band in a stressed out state about potentially running into their ex at the next show by stated drummer’s band (that would be YOU, Greg) is the one for whom the breakup didn’t go so well. The problem here isn’t that you are worried about running into her at the next BC show in your hometown. No, sir, not at all. It seems to me that the problem here is you are worried about running into her at your next BC show with a new guy on her arm while you stand in the beer line pretending to talk to someone on your cell phone so it looks like you still have a social life. Am I getting warm? I thought so.

If you can’t get your life together and find a hot date to take to your next local BC gig, then at least get to work on a good alibi as to why it’s okay that you’re at the show all alone when you run into your ex and her new, far more successful boyfriend. Or, at the very least, you can deflect her attention away from your solo plight, by going in an entirely different direction. Try some of these lines and see which one you think you can best sell to the ex:

1) “Tatiana’s flight was delayed so she’s gonna miss the show. It really sucks for her, because you know how oppressive those first class lounges at Heathrow get to be after a few hours. “

2) “I can’t believe I made it! After I got the last of those orphans out of the burning building, the mayor just wouldn’t stop talking my ear off! Geez, that guy can drone on for hours!”

3) “It was a last minute decision to come down, but now that I am here, I don’t know that I’ll stay. Ever since I cashed in the Mega Millions ticket, it seems like my priorities have shifted away from satisfying my own selfish desires towards fulfilling others’ needs…..crazy how life turns out, ain’t it?”

4) “You haven’t noticed any burning sensations when you urinate, have you? Really? Not at all? That’s so weird because at the clinic they said…..oh, wait, sorry….we can talk about this some other time. Enjoy the show! Hope you get that “Feathers” you’ve always wanted!”

Best of luck, and don’t feel like you have to use one of my lines. Feel free to try some of your own whimsical delusions. The key here is to try to cultivate a little bit of fun out of the disillusionment and gnawing pain from the break-up that you are clearly still feeling on a minute to minute basis.

Cheers!

SG