What's Wrong With Steve?

Steve

I love my friends, don’t get me wrong, but those people have no taste in

good music. If I want to go to a show they say stuff like “I have other

plans,” or “The show is too expensive.” Like last year – you play 5 shows

at the FIllmore and I’m schlepping my drunk self on the 38 Geary to groove

out by myself. Looks like the same thing this December too. And you know

what? To HELL with them – I’m having a great time.

Even though I’ve had the best time at all of the BC shows in my life

(12), how the hell do I convince my loved ones to see a freaking Crowes

show? Do you think that they’re afraid their lives will dramatically change

as a result, and they just can’t handle that? Sometimes a guy just has to

turn around and see someone they know, dig? Help!

WB

WB

First, the bad news:  These people you refer to are not friends.  No, sir, not even close.  They do not and can not understand.  They are civilians.  And you, WB, are a freak.  See the difference?

This might sound rough, but your task is actually blessedly simple:  Eliminate them from your life ASAP.

Now, the good news: There are plenty of other folks just like you.  And, they’ll be at the Fillmore in droves, coming in from all over the world for those five special nights.

So, instead of spending the next three months dreading five lonely nights on the 38 Geary, why not look forward to five fantastic nights of warm companionship with an assortment of well traveled and chemically altered like-minded freaks?

You got a couch?  A futon?  Any extra floor space at all?  Of course you do, so make yourself useful!  These people need to crash somewhere, I would imagine, so offer it up!  Get online, get to a message board, and get to work!  Introduce yourself!   State your case!  Make friends!   Meet up before the show!   Grow your hair out!  Don’t pay the gas bill! Whatever it takes!

SG

Steve,

Any chance of doing a live version of “Lifevest”?

Steve

Steve

You bet!

All you need to do is figure out how to play it, put together a band, teach it to them, book a gig, and let ‘er rip!

(And if you record the gig, I’d love to hear it.)

Rock on!

SG

Steve:

Why do my friends not like the “mix tapes” I’m making for them?

I record them with Dolby Noise Reduction, and generally use quality tapes (TDK -Chrome).

I also write the songs/artists on the cassette liner using architectural lettering (very easy to read).

Appreciated,

John

John

I have spoken to a few of your friends and they all agree that your tapes sound great.  That is, they are sonically successful.

The issue here is that you have terrible taste in music.  Sure, there are a few BC nuggets on each tape, but what’s with all the Haircut 100? And Kix?!? WTF?

In your efforts to prove that you are a well rounded fan of all genres, you have simply confused the people you most want to please.  Simplify, John.  Simplify.

SG

Steve

G’day, nil life issues at this point.

Just goin’ along fine.

Great work with the new tunes.

Keep a rockin’

Cheers,

David

David

Denial is an insidious disease.    I wish you the best of luck.

SG

Steve

We have a wonderful small venue here in Schweinfurt, Germany called

“Stattbahnhof”!

Is it possible you guys come here to play a show when you’re touring Europe?

Love & Peace,

Markus

Markus

Ahhhh, what the hell-   We’ll do it!

SG

Steve,

Why is it that the bums in the park like to pee with their pants all the

way down to their ankles, a cigarette clenched in their teeth all the while

scaring the bajeezus out of their fellow travelers?

Alex

Alex

Why is it that you are hanging out in parks where this sort of thing happens?  Where the hell do you live?  Hobotown, Mass?  Find a new park and get on with your life!

SG

Mr. Gorman,

What should I listen to tomorrow?

Respectfully,

Chard

Chard

Why don’t you start the day by listening to that voice in the back of your head that keeps telling you to buy 1000 copies of “Before The Frost” and distribute them to everyone you see on the street?

After you have done that, move onto some Neil Young.  “Broken Arrow” is an overlooked favorite of mine….that should do the trick.

SG

Hey Steve.

I need a girlfriend ASAP.  Any ideas?

David

David

I don’t know how soon you’ll be ready to take a new relationship to the next level, but I have to assume that a man writing me for ideas is clearly open minded (i.e. desperate) enough to try something new.  So, here you go, champ!

http://www.bridesbymail.com/mob/asia.html

SG

Oh wise SAGe,

When will TBC bless us with a visit to South America. Ecuador

beckons,….Pacific Coast Beaches,….Andean Highlands,….Amazon Grassy

Green,…Latins – Amor Rica,…. What are you guys waiting for? Come on

down!

Thxz for providing such great, soulful, throbbing beats, booms, bamzzzzzz

BTC = the best

Hasta luego mon,

RP

Hey Steve,

How about a South American tour? That would be great.

Thanks,

Norman

Hey, there, Steve.

I think it’s high time you guys came back to Brazil, man. Honestly.

I mean, it’s been almost 15 years now, and the kids here need some

education. I’ve been a fan for a long time, and my people NEED you.

Any chance you’d consider playing for us again?

Abraços,

Rafael

Hey Steve,

Can we be expecting a south amercian tour anytime soon to support the BTF?

You have a lot of fans down here!

Thanks,

Marcello

Dear Steve,

I am a big fan here from Brazil and I can tell you that I breathe Black

Crowes, but I am increasingly losing hope of seeing them live.

Steve is there any chance of Crowes playing on Brazilian soil?

Hugs

Luiz

I am sorry to say that I don’t have an answer as to when we’ll get to South America next, but I just figured you guys would like to know that you aren’t alone down there.   South Amorican Freaks Unite!

SG

Hey Steve,

Do you ever use your phenomenal sports knowledge to make a profit by wagering on games?  USC beats Ohio St by more than 7, right??

Brian

Brian

Yes, I have on occasion parlayed my unique sports insight into a little extra pocket change,  but I am afraid I won’t help you here. You see, if I were to take the bait and give you a winning tip, I would expect two things:

1) 10% of your winnings.  And let’s just get this out of the way up front – you WOULD HAVE paid.

2) That the inbox on this advice column would soon explode with requests from degenerate gambling addicts like yourself looking for the next “sure thing”.

So, for both our sakes, let’s just drop it right here.

Okay, maybe that was a bit harsh.  Sorry.  Here’s a little genuine advice:  Don’t wager on teenagers.  Ever.

(Now leave me alone –  I am watching the Titans.)

SG

Hey Steve,

I hear that you like to play blackjack. Tell me what you do in this

situation: Your hand is 16 and the dealer’s upcard is a 10.

Hit or Stand?

Eric

Eric,

It’s very simple:  You HIT that hand, my friend, and you HIT that hand every single time!

The dealer is sitting on a 20!   Get it?  Play it like he’s got a 20!  Is that so hard?   What are you, the guy who is gonna “play against the odds”?  Are you the guy that is going to “rewrite the book on blackjack” all of a sudden?

No!  Of course not!  Play the odds, Eric! HIT that 16 every time and never think twice!

You’ll thank me in the morning.

SG

(Unless, of course, you have a hunch that the dealer has a low card down and is about to throw a high card next….let’s just say you get a strong sense that he’s got a 3 face down, giving him a 13, and you feel a burning certainty that the next card will be a 10.  If that’s what we’re talking about, then by all means, stand!  Because you know, blackjack is about playing the odds all the way up until you decide not to…which usually happens around the time you are finishing that third complimentary drink.

Oh, Lord,  that third drink!

The first one, of course, is just for kicks.  You sit down, they ask you want you want, and before you can even think twice, the words “vodka and cranberry” are coming out of your mouth.  And everything is just great and the dealer thinks you’re funny and everyone at the table says things like, “you’re the anchor, we need you, man! ” And you know what?  It’s awesome.

And then, they bring you another drink.  Now,  the second drink is kind of like a reward for just sitting in the same seat for more than 10 minutes.  It’s like you didn’t even realize you needed a second one, but sure enough…..THERE IT IS!!!!  And as crazy as it sounds, it tastes better than the first one!

But then comes that THIRD one!

Man, oh man, it’s all about the THIRD one!!!!  It’s almost as if  they ran out of juice or something, because that drink they just brought  is literally as clear as tap water and you are sitting on a pile of chips that you won by staying with THE BOOK but all the sudden you want to, no wait, you NEED to start taking more risks because let’s face it I can sit here all night and keep placing my little $15 bets and passing the time and mingling with strangers and I can impress my idiot friends who don’t know better but wait a minute- wait just a minute- what if I start doubling down on some hard 12′s and what if I even double down on the odd 13 and surely no one will expect me to hit a 17 with the dealer showing 16 and OH MY GOD that song they’re playing never sounded so perfect and exactly how long has it been since I just let myself EXHALE???? I mean, really just let it all out and RELAXED!?!?!!??!? I mean, if I just push up to like, you know, $50 a hand or even a $100 when it feels right, then man, I could really build something here tonight!!   I could be looking at thousands!!! Like, I don’t know, I could make a ton of money here and buy something really cool for the kids….something GREAT for the kids that’d they’d always remember as “that awesome thing Dad got for us in Las Vegas when he came home and kept stuttering and repeating himself and crying and then fell asleep on the couch during America’s Funniest Home Videos……”

You know, that kind of thing.

A hunch.

If that kind of thing happens, you’ll probably just want to stand.)