What's Wrong With Steve?

Hi Steve,

The wife likes to indulge in what I call “illegal use of condiments.”  For example, when she eats she will put salsa on crab meat or mayo on samosas, crazy stuff like that.  This grosses me out.

What is your philosophy on condiment usage?  Should a condiment be restricted to a finite number of

foods it can be used on or should it be a complete free-for-all?

Thanks in advance,

Dave

Dave

Sorry, dude, but that is disgusting.  Certain lines were never meant to be crossed.  Had you contacted me before the nuptials, I could have stopped this.

There’s nothing else that can be done here.

http://www.completecase.com/

SG

Hey Steve…

How do we deal with a friend of ours who insists on bringing his wife to

our tailgate parties outside the stadium every week? Does this not break at

least a half dozen rules of the “Guy Code”?

Thanks

Tom in Cleveland

PS: And she’s not hot either….

Tom

You have several serious issues here, to be sure, but it’s clear that you’re not seeing the whole picture.

For one thing, you still subscribe to some asinine “Guy Code”.  Wow.

On top of that, you hold it against your friend and his wife that, in your opinion, she’s not hot.  Again – Wow!

You’re moping through a tailgate party because there’s a woman present when you have Brady Quinn lining up over center?  Geez, Tom, talk about not seeing the trees for the forest!

Since growing up is clearly not an option here, all I can do is offer a short term solution while you try to figure out where it all stopped progressing for you:  Get a new team!  The Browns suck!  They have sucked for as long as I can remember, and they’re just gonna keep on sucking for as long as anyone can imagine!

I’m no geography whiz, but I am pretty sure that Pittsburgh is only a few hours away, and the Black and Gold bandwagon always has room for a few more transplants.  Think about it – you and your boys roadtrip to Pittsburgh every Sunday and set up shop at Heinz Field.  You expect, and get, at least ten wins every season.  (I know that sounds like a bizarre fantasy to a Browns fan, but trust me, it happens.)  Football continues well into January, and suddenly you’re drinking too much to celebrate something, as opposed to drinking too much to forget something.

And the best part is you don’t have to tell your friend with the wife (and a life) a thing.  Just make the switch.  They’ll be fine.  Trust me.

SG

Hey Steve.

Which genre of metal do you listen to the most? Is it straight up heavy metal, like Iron Maiden; Thrash Metal, like early Megadeth; Glam Metal, like Cinderella; or maybe Death Metal, like Slayer?

Furthermore, which metal drummer do you admire the most, and is Danny Carey

considered a metal drummer?

Thanks for your time.

Little James

Little James

I have no idea who Danny Carey is.  And based on the context of your letter, I will make sure never to find out.

I don’t listen to heavy metal.  I have never listened to heavy metal.  I don’t like heavy metal.  I don’t have any friends that like heavy metal.  I think less of people when I discover that they like heavy metal.

If a nearby heavy metal band bursts into flames due to the sheer flammable ferocity of whatever particular brand of heavy metal they are playing, you won’t see me run for the fire extinguisher.

If you ever tire of my presence, put some heavy metal on.

Heavy metal is the Anti-Steve.

Please, Little James, understand this: I don’t like heavy metal.

SG

(I realize you didn’t ask for any advice, but I’ll still give you some:  Do not, under any circumstance, ever refer to AC/DC as a heavy metal band.  You’ll get a well earned head slap if you do so.)

Steve

I’m about to turn a year since I’m unemployed and my brother got divorced and got back to live with my parents where I live, I cannot find any job yet and the room in this house is getting smaller while

tension is increasing big time among the living around

What the fuck could you advise Steve? come on surprise me

Alfonso

Alfonso

First, I would advise that you slow down when writing your next question, read aloud what you have written to see if it makes sense, and then have someone else give your note a quick look over before you hit the send button.

As for your unemployment issues – ever seen “Breaking Bad”?

SG

Hey Steve,

What would you have done if you were Pete Best? Have you ever been

worried about your gig with the Black Crowes?

Brian

Brian

Had I been Pete Best, I would have graciously stepped aside when asked and thanked John, Paul, and George (without making eye contact!) for allowing me to keep the drum throne warm until the master arrived.

As for whether or not I was ever worried about my gig – of course not!  Ringo doesn’t have time to go around poaching gigs anymore.  He’s getting up there and, as he happens to live atop a mountain of money, the chances that he would decide to “Best” me for this dog and pony show were always pretty slim.

SG

Hey Steve,

I’m bankrupt and getting a divorce thanks to following your band around

since 1993. I don’t want your advice, just letting you know. By the way,

great show in Buffalo last July!

Jamie

Jamie

It’s letters like yours that keep us going.  Glad we could be here for you, bro.

SG

Hi Steve

Is anyone gonna get around to transcribing “Been a long time…” ?

I’m pretty sure it’s in Open G, but as I’m a lousy guitar player (no

time to practice as I’m in the Army) I’m having trouble figuring out a

couple of parts.

Loved the KC show in July…see you in December at the Fillmore.

Thanks for all the music…you guys have always been there with me…

Dave

MAJ, MI, US Army

School of Advanced Military Studies

Seminar 5, Afghanistan Planning Group

Dave

I don’t know anything about anyone transcribing any song.  Every song we play is in the same key to me, so I am sorry but I can’t help you with this.

But, if I could be so bold, I can advise you not to let a little something like the centuries old query of what to do with Afghanistan keep you from the guitar!  Practice is essential if you want to make something of yourself.  Sooner or later, you gotta get your priorities straight.  I didn’t get to where I am today (rolling down I-40 westbound somewhere around Jackson, TN., to be exact) by allowing trivial issues like the Taliban’s brutal and catastrophic resurgence, or the upcoming deadly winter weather in the Hindu Kush mountains, keep me from my music.

Now, I don’t know what they teach in this “army” you mentioned, but I do know a little something about what awaits you as you push aside all of life’s insignificant problems and focus on your musical quest.

Will there be hardships along the way?  Probably.

Will friends and family mock your dreams and question your decision making skills?  Maybe.

Is there a chance you will learn something along the way about real commitment, real service, and the real power of self respect and discipline?  Absolutely!

You see, when we were just getting started, NOTHING stood in our way.  We endured hardships that would have killed most people.  One time, in the fall of ‘87, I forgot to pay the phone bill.  (By “forgot”, I mean that I didn’t have any money)  You won’t believe this, but Bell South had the balls to turn off our phone!  I’m not kidding!  Can you believe that shit?  They just turned it right off! Two letters in the mail saying we needed to pay by a specific date to avoid a “discontinuation of service” or some bullshit like that, a phone call or two from the customer service folks making sure we had received the bill, a two week “grace period”, and then BOOM!  No phone.  Just like that.

Now, Dave, I could have gone into a state of depression over the fact that I could no longer make late night drunken phone calls to old college friends to rub it in their faces that they had cars that worked, steady incomes, and solid credit scores…but I didn’t.

I could have climbed the walls wondering how many gigs we were losing because club managers who wanted to book the band couldn’t contact us…but I didn’t.

I could have easily turned the whole situation into my “Afghanistan” and sat around blaming Bell South for deferring my musical dreams….but I didn’t.

As tough as it was, I simply picked myself up by the boot straps and marched right down the hall to Chris’ girlfriend’s apartment and used her phone for a few months.  And you know what? Bell South is still around and so am I.  See what I am saying?

I hope this helps.

SG

(Bullshit aside – to know that our music has always been there with you through whatever unimaginable situations you have put yourself into so unselfishly, is humbling.  Thanks for everything you’re doing.)

Dear Steve,

I am a drummer with a band that often plays 2+ hour long sets. What do you

suggest I eat prior to playing, and what to drink while playing?

Michael

Michael

Bananas seem to be a big hit with folks in the “energy” scene.  A large banana 20 minutes or so before the show should help get you through a lengthy performance.

Or, maybe some tacos.  Tacos could be good.   Man, I love me some tacos.  Hard shell, soft shell, whatever- I like ‘em all.  And especially with green salsa.  “Verde”, I think they call it.  Yeah, that’s the stuff.

As for what you should drink during the show, I would suggest a peanut butter-chocolate milkshake from Sonic.  I’ve never had one, mind you,  but my daughter did last week and she was bouncing off the walls for hours.  That should see you through the set, an encore or two, and most, if not all, of the after show hang where you and your band sit around talking about how badass you are.  And let’s not kid ourselves here – your band will be doing just that because all bands do that.  All of ‘em.

SG

Steve,

Step 1.  Play the bass

Step 2.  ?

Step 3.  Get a show on the Travel Channel

What is Step 2?

Thanks,

Beelzebob

Beelzebob

I am not touching this one, but it’s really, really funny.

SG

Yo Stever,

Noticed you aimlessly wandering around the Big Apple recently with the

look of a man in search of a good pair of socks. Did you know that the

average foot has 250,000 sweat glands that give off an average of a 1/4

pint of perspiration a day? I would imagine that life behind the kit can be

fraught with peril, not the least of which is a boot full of water.

Hopefully your quest ended successfully.

All New Yorkers are honored that a man of your stature would grace our fine city in search of fine men’s

hosiery.

Pete

Pete

Wow!  I had no idea that the average foot had a quarter of a million sweat glands.  But then again, why would I know that?  I actually have a life and things to do in a day that keep me from pursuing such nuggets of pedalian trivia.

As I stressed to you in person before, when I was purchasing my “men’s hosiery”, you need to steer clear of me.  Department store security guards have to follow a protocol when throwing someone out of their store, as you now well know.  I, however, have no such protocol.  You come near me again, and you’re going down.

Incidentally, my feet are size 13.  I am pushing half a million easily.

SG